Live like you are dying
Monday, February 16, 2009
By: Colleen Wiebe

Learning to live in the face of a terminal diagnosis.

In March, 1999, after a family trip to Disney World in Florida, I returned home drained, tired and without an appetite. It wasn't really surprising, we had four young children under the age of 10, a full time business out of our home and all the normal stresses and strains of a young family.

By May I had lost 25 lbs, without explanation, had no ambition and no energy but it didn't occur to me that something might be physically wrong. One morning I was taking a shower and noticed something different in my breast. I showed it to my husband and he agreed that I should call the doctor. The doctor sent me for a mammogram, where they spotted something and sent me for a ultrasound.

A few days later, the doctor called to say that there was some concern about what they had seen and I needed to see a surgeon. An appointment was made within a week, the surgeon saw me in his office and booked a biopsy for a few days later. My biopsy took place in early June. A week later, I was back to the surgeon for the results of the biopsy. I had breast cancer.

We were stunned. I asked about a mastectomy, which the surgeon talked me out of as he felt I was too young. The following Monday I went in to have a lymph node dissection which found one node positive for cancer. The next step was to go to the local Cancer Clinic in London.

I met my first oncologist on July 16. She said that the margins were not clear on the biopsy and further surgery was required. A week later I went back in for that, but it was found to be clear. Again we waited to see the oncologist for a decision on the next steps. In the meantime, I had a follow up appointment with the surgeon to check on the surgery site. He found another lump in the axilla and scheduled me again for surgery. This turned out to be a rather large tumour, 3 nodes formed together into one ball of cancer.

It was determined that I would need a full course of chemotherapy for 6 months and then 6 weeks of radiation. I started this course of treatment on September 29, 1999 and completed my radiation May 26, 2000.

There followed doctors' appointments on a quarterly basis for 2 years and then I was upgraded to 6 months. In late 2002, I found a tiny lump in my armpit on the same side. It felt quite painful. I mentioned it to my oncologist at the next follow up. She felt it was nothing of concern, probably some scar tissue. It was still there at my next check up in July and she thought it had changed in size. She wanted me to go and see the surgeon right away but when they called his office, he was on vacation. She asked me to keep an eye on it and if anything changed to call right away.

In August, I came down with a cough that didn't seem to go away. Some of the children had it but was deemed an allergy. Still this cough continued and I took myself and the children to see the doctor again. Again the doctor examined the children and said it was just an allergy. Then he checked me, taking my temperature first. I had a fever, he examined my throat and chest and informed me I had pneumonia! At the time he commented that my immune system must be "down" as he put it.

Little bells started ringing in my head. The coughing from the pneumonia caused the little lump to become excruciatingly painful and prompted me to call the oncologist. She set up an appointment with the surgeon who wanted to do a biopsy. The biopsy was performed in September and came back positive for cancer. My cancer was back again! It was in the breast tissue and my only option was to have the breast removed, which was done in April 2004 with immediate reconstruction.

I was back to the quarterly check ups again. Regular MRI's, mammograms and blood work. In 2006, the oncologist found an enlarged lymph node on the opposite side, which prompted ultrasound, mammogram and needle biopsy. However, this turned out to be negative. We breathed a sigh of relief.

In March of 2008, I picked up a piece of wood and felt a sharp pain in my back. Within an hour I was in agony and could barely move. Thinking I might have dislocated something I went to see the chiropractor the next day. This brought some relief and I continued with subsequent visits. However the pain never completely went away. At my follow up appointment in May, I mentioned to my nurse and oncologist that I was having this pain. Thinking it was nothing and because I downplayed it somewhat, they didn't feel it was something that need to be pursued.

 However, in June I was still suffering and nothing I had tried had helped. I went to my family doctor. He ordered a bone scan and abdominal ultrasound, simply to rule things out. Never did anyone expect or think it could be anything serious. However, after the tests had been run, I was called back in to my family doctor. He informed us that there were a couple of "spots" on my liver. He insisted there was only a 10% chance that it could be cancer but he sent me for a CT scan. After the results of the CT the family doctor informed me that there was nothing more he could do and I would need to see the oncologist again.

I had 7 tumours in my liver, one which was 4.5cm, one 3 cm and one 2.7 cm, with the rest being minuscule. I had 3 tumours in my spine and some signs of activity in the pelvic bone. As well there were nodules in my lungs.
We were stunned. How had this happened? My children, aged, 20, 17, 14 and 13 must face losing their mother at a young age. My husband is facing becoming a widower when we were just looking forward to seeing the children move on and being on our own again.

I have started on a new trial for metastatic breast cancer. Abraxane has been improving the rates for surviving longer and I am excited to see how it is shrinking my tumours. I know that eventually everything will stop working and the cancer will win but if I can hang on perhaps something new and powerful will be developed which will actually cure me!

Meanwhile, I am learning to take each day as it comes and making the most of every moment. I have made a "bucket list"and we are trying to complete each of those things. Some however require me to keep living and I will continue to do everything I can to fight the beast!