Twenty-five years later, the emotions and memories are still fresh.

Patrick Black helped to care for his mother, Rose, when she was diagnosed with cancer in 1980. Rose died in 1983, surrounded by her family and friends. To this day, says Patrick, whenever he talks about the experience, “it all comes back.”

When his mother was sick, Patrick’s best coping mechanism, he says, was communication: “I was the primary contact with the doctors. I went with my mother to all her medical appointments. I read a lot, learned lots. What helped me most was being able to communicate, to give information to family and friends, and just to talk to people.”

Today, Patrick is still talking with people about cancer. As a volunteer for the Canadian Cancer Society’s CancerConnection program, he speaks with people caring for loved ones with the disease.

What the caregivers he speaks with seem to need most, he says, is “an ear. They need to talk about day-to-day developments. They need to talk about their feelings, including feelings like frustration and guilt. People wish that they could do more to help. Children who live far away from their parents with cancer feel guilty that they aren’t close by.”

Talking to someone who’s been through it can help make the challenges of caregiving feel less overwhelming. Patrick lets people know that it’s okay to talk about cancer, to cry, to laugh. It’s okay to sit quietly with a loved one there’s no need to entertain someone with cancer or fill in every gap in conversation. It’s okay to accept help and to let people with cancer do what they can for themselves.

“Even if it was something as simple as making a cup of tea, it was important to my mother to be independent,” he says. “I learned to let her do whatever she could. She went ahead, and I followed behind and helped when she needed me.”

When callers need medical information, Patrick refers them to the Society’s Cancer Information Service.

Patrick knows firsthand that caring for someone with cancer is an experience that can stay with you for years to come. Being able to talk about it, he says, is crucial for many caregivers. Whether it’s a family member, friend, colleague, nurse, doctor or a CancerConnection volunteer lots of people can listen. “You don’t need to do it all on your own.”